05 March 2013

My real thoughts on being team green.

First, I must say, this post is not intended to offend anyone.  We are so blessed to have a healthy baby, and that was, and always will be, the most important thing to us. Always. In writing my honest opinion on being team green, I don't want that to be construed or misrepresented in any way.  Let's make that clear now.

Okay.

I've had a lot of people ask me what I thought of being team green with Reid.  Having found out with both Carter and Brynn, I think I bring a different perspective to the table.  Usually people are on one team or the other, so they can't compare the two.

But, I'm going too.

I've always said that I think finding out is just as exciting as waiting, and I still think that holds true. They're both special in their own way. And it's a surprise no matter what... in the ultrasound room, at a gender reveal party or during the actual birth.  You didn't know what the sex was before the event and now you do.

Surprise.

I will say that I enjoyed the anticipation of team green.  It's like waiting for your Christmas presents, knowing exactly where they're hidden, but refusing to peak at them.  You can't wait to find out, but you're willing too, just to make Christmas more exciting and special.

However, when it's a baby, there's really not anything that could make it more special than it already is. It's your baby.  Being born.  And you're meeting him/her for the first time.  Who cares what the sex is... it's YOUR! BABY! for goodness sake. Ahhhhh.

It's life changing.

So, although the anticipation of waiting was fun, I really don't think it made the birth any more special.  For me and Bob at least... I'm sure it was fun for others who were waiting for the announcement {which must be true considering I had about 12,000 hits to my blog the day I posted this.} And, personally, I know I stalk other people's blogs/FB pages when I know they're about to deliver a team green baby.

It's fun and exciting. But it doesn't make it more special.

{Side Note: Considering that I had weekly Biophysical Profile ultrasounds starting at the 28 week mark, I'd say "refusing to peak" became more annoying than anything else.  At that point in my pregnancy, I had no interest in knowing the sex of the baby, and I was more worried about the ultrasound tech's use of pronouns throughout the ultrasounds than anything else. I didn't want an accidental slip-up.  And, had I known that I was going to have weekly BPPs from the start, I likely would have never been team green in the first place.  But, alas, I had no idea that I would become high risk and it all worked out just fine.}

So the question is... am I glad I did it?

Yes. 100%.

Would I ever do it again?

Absolutely not.

The problem that I had the entire pregnancy with being on team green? It held true.  For the night that Reid was born, Bob and I were overjoyed over our sweet, precious {and absolutely adorable} little boy, but we were also both a little sad. Just a teeny, tiny bit. Not because we had a boy.  But because we didn't have a girl.  And the same would have held true if we had a girl on September 10th.  We would have been sad that we didn't have a boy.

I know this sounds crazy, but it was exactly how we both felt that day.  And I knew it would happen. I knew it would. Because the moment Bob yelled "it's a BOY!" in the delivery room, that other little person that we'd been dreaming about for so long?  Our girl.  She disappeared forever.  She will never exist for us.  We spent 9 months picturing our life with both babies.  Preparing for a boy and a girl.  But in reality?  We only got to keep one.

Of course we obviously knew that we only would have a boy OR a girl and not both... but when you wait until the baby is delivered before finding out the sex, there is no time to prepare yourself.  Boy. Girl.  It doesn't matter.  They're here. And they need you.  At least when you find out early, you have some time to mentally prepare yourself for what is about to happen. It's not thrown right in your face with no time to adjust to this life-altering event.

Basically, when you're on team green? There is no preparation. None, what-so-ever. You think you're prepared, but you really have no idea what you're in for until the baby is already here. Then, BOOM.  You have to adjust.  Just like that.

To give you an idea of what I mean... on the night that Reid was born, Bob and I were in the room alone for the very first time with our sweet boy. Just staring at him.  Taking him in.  Smelling his perfect new baby scent.  Holding his little hands. Kissing his soft little chubby cheeks as he slept.  It was the same instant, all-consuming love that I felt with Carter and Brynn.  Like my heart could burst with joy.  I asked Bob to get me something from the diaper bag for the baby and, sitting on the very top, was the "Emerson" hat and the "Little Sister" outfit we got in preparation for a girl. And, as we held our brand new beautiful son, we couldn't help but tear up over the daughter that we didn't have that day.

It's a confusing feeling.

Being thankful for what you have, but also mourning the loss of something that never was.

So, if I'm being completely honest {which, hello, have you met me?}... Although I'm so glad that I had this experience, I didn't think the wait of team green was worth it.   And, if we go for baby #4 {wait, what? who said that?} we will absolutely be finding out what we're having.

Obviously these two crazy people need more time to mentally prepare.

36 comments:

Aaron and Jen said...

I have the same feelings as you do about being team green. It was especially hard for me because I really thought we were having a boy. They say mothers have intuition about it, but I obviously didn't. It literally took me a week to get over the shock that we had a girl and not a boy. I feel like I wasted so much time adjusting to the idea when I should've been enjoying the crap out of my new baby. Thanks for posting your honest feelings - you are not alone!

-Unem

Laura G said...

It is funny you just wrote this, because we have a scheduled c-section on April 2 and we haven't found out the sex of the baby. We found out with other 2, a girl and a boy. We also know this is our last one, so we thought it would be fun to take a different route. That being said, it has been really hard for me because I don't feel like we got to prepare like we did with the other two. Up until 3 weeks ago, we were waiting to do the nursery because I didn't want to do a gender neutral nursery (that is one of the reasons we found out with the other 2) and here I am with a white and tan nursery (we are adding pink or blue later when we find out the sex). I just couldn't have this new baby come home to a room that didn't have anything in it for him or her. I feel like we took so many pictures of getting the other two nurseries ready and I didn't want this baby to feel any less loved. I know it sounds weird, but that is how I feel.

I am so proud we were able to hold out for so long (we get an ultrasound at every visit), but at the same time, I am very very nervous I am going to be a little disappointed after delivery.

Momma Burd said...

Awe, I love your honesty. This was a wonderful post. We are due with our second (a boy) in July - Yay! I am not as patient as you - I need to know everything, I dont like surprises - Im a planner. So I salute you in your patients with waiting, even though you wont do it again, at least you can say you've done it! Cheers to you and your beautiful family! <3
visit us if you'd like! www.somethinglikeafairytale.com <3

Chandelle Foote said...

Hey Jenni! Recently found your blog and love it! :) I'm expecting my first (a boy) in May and can COMPLETELY see how being team green could lead to disappointment. When we found out we were having a boy, I was disappointed (even though I was hoping we had a boy first!) because I had also been imagining life with both a boy and a girl. But I only did it for 19 weeks. I must also add, which I'm sure you know, knowing the sex also lets you buy lots of cute gender specific stuff before hand :) I love me some shopping!

Jennifer said...

I never thought about it that way, but it makes complete sense. You prepare for a boy and a girl, but you only get one!

Ramblings of a Suburban Mom

Jennifer said...

My husband is dead set on not finding out the sex of this third baby. Just like you, we found out with our other two and have one of each. I am excited about my husband saying "it's a ..." But I am also a planner and how am I going to not plan for a baby??? I have had high blood pressure with each pregnancy and had multiple ultrasounds late in my pregnancy. A part of me wants to peak and a part of me does not. A part of me also has that fear of disappointment...
It is such a weird position to be in...to have such mixed feeling on something that sounds so simple.
Thank you for this post. I think I will have my husband read it! :o)

Mandy@ a sorta fairytale said...

Even though I have always found out the gender of my babies ahead of time, I totally get what you're saying. I know myself very well, and would have felt the same way you did, about mourning the gender you didnt have. This is the exact reason (well, one if many) that I never waited to find out. Obviously, we are privileged to even have the technology that can tell us the gender ahead of time, and I am so grateful for it. I enjoy the 20 weeks at the end of my pregnancy to prepare for what's to come, and to let go of any lingering "maybe it's a girl" thoughts. I always felt such peace after finding out what I was carrying.

I will say this, though, even though I will never be on team green, I think it's cool when other people are. It is exciting for us as your Bloggy friends :)

Jeannie said...

I love your honesty because there are so many people that wouldn't be. I love your perspectives in this post as well. I have always thought if we have baby #3, I'd be team green, but you've made me think...just a bit about that :) I appreciate that!

undomestic mama said...

This is such a good way to write your perspective. I never considered NOT finding out because 1)I'm the worst when it comes to surprises, no one puts my Christmas presents out early because I start asking questions and 2) I had twins, I had to plan and prepare myself as much as possible. But, I have considered not finding out with the next baby, (except I know I won't because I have two boys and if it's a girl I'll want to know) this post brings up a lot of things I might not have thought about.

Hannah @Supermommy!...Or Not. said...

I found out with all three of my babies which I think helped me mentally prepare for that specific child. With my third, we were told by 2 different ultrasound techs that we were having a boy. We got all the blue stuff out and when I shopped, I ignored the pink. When SHE was born, I was thrilled to have a baby girl! But at the same time though, I was mourning for the little boy I had fallen in love with, but now didn't exist. It was very confusing for a while.

Kristal said...

Im glad you wrote this - interesting view point! Funny enough, what you don't like about team green - not prep time - is what I love about team green. I was SHOCKED at both births and I loved it so so much. I will say that the outcomes of my births influenced my feelings though. I was sure Isaac was a girl even though I hoped for a boy. And I was pretty sure Miriam was a boy even though I hoped for a girl. So the fact that I was happily shocked both times was a big factor!!

Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody said...

My reason for finding out in advance the past two times has just been so I can feel prepared with clothing and everything. It wasn't really a desire for either gender.

Now that we have boy clothes and girl clothes at home and a gender neutral nursery waiting, I would LOVE to be team green, but we just can't, and my reasoning is somewhat similar to yours.

I love having a daughter. Having a little sister for Emily would be a great gift, but it would also mean that we were probably done having kids (as hubby has always said he would never try for a 3rd after having 2 girls for fear of having three girls, especially in the teen years).
But since we have been thisclose to being able to raise a little boy and it slipped from our fingers, I would be so heartbroken to never get that chance again. So if we are having a girl this time around, I would be so happy that this baby is a girl, but so sad that there is (probably) no little boy waiting in our future. And I'd want to have that mourning for a future boy mostly out of the way by the time she came.
If this is a boy, we will likely be having another baby sometime in the future, and we will probably be team green that time around. Maybe. And I would be ecstatic to know we are having a boy and ecstatic to know there could be another little girl for us down the road.

Anyways, all that to say I am looking forward to whatever we are having, and just praying for a take home baby this time around, and that its mostly just that my hubby just needs to have a change of heart about his fear of too many girls. If he was I wouldn't even be having these concerns about what the gender of this baby will mean for the future growth of our family. It shouldn't matter, but it does to him.

The Mrs./The Mom said...

I love your honest thoughts. I wonder if you would have felt different if you were team green for Carter. Knowing that you would try for another baby - would you have had the chance to mourn the loss of not having a girl because it was a future possibility? I can understand with number 4 up in the air how you felt but if number 4 were a definite girl- it wouldn't be the same...right?

I enjoyed being team green but he was our first and we always planned on another. I enjoyed the anticipation, the gender neutral clothes that will be worn again, and finding out at delivery. I like that you had a slightly different take on it.

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Thank you for being honest about this. It only confirms exactly what I've felt my reasoning for finding out is. Love your honesty, girlie.

Heather Sullivan said...

Interesting. We were team green with our daughter but I found that we just prepared for a green baby. Sure, we had names picked for either, but I knew I would be sad for what we didn't have, too, so we just sort of had a bag of white onesies and green and yellow stuff. Everyone brought girl stuff to the hospital though, so she was covered in pink by the time we went home. And the weekly ultrasounds can kiss it. We had those too and I thought I would cave before it was all said and done. :)

Tracie said...

I totally get this! When I got pregnant with our first we both really wanted a boy and I would have bet my left arm that we were having one. My husband grew up with brothers and felt terrified at the prospect of having a girl. When we found out at our ultrasound that we were having a little lady, my husband had a hard time hiding his disappointment. I'm sure he would have felt horrible looking back if he had that reaction in the delivery room. It took him a few weeks to adjust to the idea of a girl, but once he did he was so excited to be the daddy of a little girl. Now neither of us can imagine it any other way, and I am so glad we had 5 months to prepare for our girl.

Natalie Rush said...

So glad you shared this! We didn't wait with either of ours...and I think this is exactly how we'd feel!

Rach said...

Glad you said it Jenni!! I found out with both of mine and wouldn't imagine not. I kept telling people, it's a surprise WHENEVER you find out!! It's a surprise at 20 weeks and a surprise at 40 weeks! And I needed to mentally prepare. Not having a boy, when they told me Crew was a boy at my 20 wk I cried. Again, I was happy he was healthy and all that, but I wanted a girl. I cried for 2 days. But then I manned up (lol) and started shopping, and buying all those cute boy things made it so much better! So when he came out there was ZERO percent of sadness that it wasn't the girl I had hoped for. I knew I'd be disappointed and I'm not good at hiding my feelings, and wouldn't want that feeling on my birthday (day of giving birth AND my actual birthday since they are the same, lol!) Glad to hear someone honest about it! And number 4?!! Girl, you must still be dealing with insanity hormones! :) xoxo

Kate said...

I get this exactly! We had our team green baby just one week after yours. And we had a sweet baby girl. Which made me SOO excited, because we have 2 boys already. But there was a tiny little part of me that was thinking I was going to be a mom of three boys! Which would have been soo exciting too!

Anonymous said...

I found out with my first but didn't with my second. I much preferred finding out ahead of time. With out first we named him immediately once we knew that we were having a boy. I felt very connected with him. Without knowing what I was having with the second, we personally were not able to finalize names until he was born. I may not be the best though to compare as the big moment everyone describes and what I envisioned in my head of my husband announcing what our second child was never occurred due to a crazy labor where I didn't find out until at least 5 minutes after he was born from the EMT.

Jessica said...

I have some of the same feelings! We found out with our first, then kept it a surprise with our second, then found out with our third, and plan to keep it a surprise with our fourth and final kid. I think both ways have their pros and cons and ultimately yes, it's a surprise whether you find out in the ultrasound or find out in the birth room. I do think that everyone should experience both ways though. :)

Jessica@ Southern Belle {BOY MOM} said...

I totally agree with you! Plus, I am the least patient person alive and a major control freak, so not finding out was never an option for me!! I love knowing and preparing- I think it would be really tough. I think I'd probably feel the same way, too, mourning the "could have been" all the while celebrating what actually happened. It's a complicated emotion!

Amanda said...

I completely agree with you on every word. We found out for our first, a boy and were team green for our second. A part of each of us was hoping for a girl and when she was born, I couldn't believe we actually missed the little boy we didn't have. As filled with joy as we were, we were thinking of our baby as both having a boy AND a girl, too. Glad we're not the only crazy ones! I also felt like she was a stranger for a bit longer... loved her instantly but didn't feel like I "knew" her as much as I did my son. We had all that time while he was on the inside to connect with him, specifically. We'll definitely try and find out for #3 when the time comes!

Holly said...

I appreciate your honesty! I have two children- a boy and a girl and have been planning on having a third. We found out the sex with both kids but plan to let the third be a "surprise". Well... now I don't know... with both kids I get ultra emotional/moody/crazy for the first month or so after the birth, so maybe a "surprise" is not the best idea. Food for thought, for sure.

Anonymous said...

Totally stopping at two, I think. The main reason I was team green this past pregnancy was because I thought that it would be impossible to be disappointed if I had a boy and I found out as I was having my baby, but I guess you can be disappointed when you find out. I had a girl and I wanted a girl so badly I had to practically pinch myself. So now I have one of each and it just feels so perfect. I had absolutely zero disappointment when it was announced she was a she.

Anonymous said...

We just had a Team Green baby (it was our first, and a boy) and I agree with a lot of your sentiments. It didn't make the birth any more exciting for us-- when the baby came out, the sex was not even on my mind in that moment-- it was just thrilling that it was OUR BABY, like you said. I also agree that looking back, being Team Green is way more suspenseful for friends/family than it was for us.

We differed from you, though, in that I wasn't mourning the loss of our girl, maybe because A) we're planning on having more children, but maybe also because B) "she" didn't have such identity established in our minds. We didn't have definitive names picked out for either sex, we didn't buy both girl and boy outfits (just neutral ones), etc. I think you guys maybe prepared too much for a boy AND a girl instead of a boy OR a girl, if you know what I mean. I think if I had girl clothing (especially personalized) all ready to go, it would have made me sad, too. Just my two cents.

I really like your honesty, though. Great post on this interesting topic.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts exactly. I had a team green boy a few weeks after you had Reid after knowing the sex with my first boy. I went team green the second time because I wanted both experiences- knowing and not knowing. My intuition failed me and while I was convinced a little girl was in there, it was my sweet boy. After a difficult delivery, my mind was consumed with the adjustment. Not sadness, adjustment. Add to that all the a-holes who ask if you are going to 'try for a girl' next when my perfect little boy is only hours old made for a distracted recovery. Had I known, I would have been prepared with responses that made it clear that my perfect little boy was not some sort of second prize. I also had an ultrasound at every OB visit making for some tense appointments...did she slip? Not worth the added stress. I agree with your assessment completely. Thanks for the post.

bipolarmomlife.com said...

Thank you for writing this, Jenni! As a mom of a boy and a girl who thinks she may have one more baby left to make, this is so helpful. We found out each time at the 20-wk ultrasound (actually, at the 16-wk point w/ our first since my BFF is a L&D nurse and she snuck us in for an u/s to reveal the gender) and I have always wondered if I could not find out. I'd have more u/s than a regular pregnancy too, since I take meds and see a high-risk OBGYN when pregnant, so the risk of the tech accidentally spilling it is there, which would drive me nuts.

Your family is so adorable, btw.

Shellsea said...

Oh my gosh. I came across your blog today looking for Easter outfits, it took me to an old wordless wednesday. I decided to read any fresh content. Small world. I am team green and nine days to go. I chose team green since we would probably have to have a c-section. I did decide to go that route vs trying vbac so I wanted something to be a surprise since there would be no "labor". I just started writing a post just like this! I recently started purchasing St. Patrick's Day outfits for either sex and Easter outfits. I find myself thinking I'm going to have twins imagining life with both little babies I'm outfitting, but I only get one. I'm already a little sad that half of the outfits will go home, one name won't be used, etc.

Sorry for long comment- great post!

LynnInLove1007 said...

I can definitely understand where you're coming from, but I had the exact opposite reaction.
We were team green for our first child, and that moment was beyond amazing. We found out with our second and after the initial excitement, the second we walked out of the ultrasound room, I was so upset that we spoiler the surprise. I cried for three days. Not because I was disappointed with the outcome, just because I was losing a key moment later on.
I often feel the same way when I spoil anything that I should be waiting for. Even though I'm extatic to be getting what I wanted, I can never fully get over the feeling that it wasn't as special as if I waited.
Maybe some of it is, going your preferred route to begin with, and then changing it?
When I say as special I only mean that one small element. It all goes away when I hold that precious gift in my arms.
next time we're going back to team green.

Jill said...

I can totatlly understand this. I was never team green but with my first pregnancy I was told I was having a girl, so I prepared for a girl, everything was set, and then I gave birth and it was a BOY!! I defitely mourned the loss of the daughter I was preparing for all those months and shred a few tears, but that by no means meant I loved my perfect beautiful little Frankie and less! I figured he was the biggest SURPRISE Id ever get so we found out with my other 2 babies, although I knew for sure they were girls bc I had amnio (not to find out sex though, to check for a something genetic, completely different story) and we are also toying around with baby number 4 someday, glad to know Im not the only one crazy enough to consider it!

~Kelly said...

I loved this post. I would have been fine finding out or being team green, but my husband really wants to find out. I still would be fine either way, but it is making me feel more prone to find out before delivery. I actually referenced to it in a post on my blog. http://urbantimesinmichigan.blogspot.com/2013/03/eleven-weeks.html

SouthernBelle said...

I love this post! I just posted about having been Team Green the first time around and finding out with the second. It's so comforting to hear that most mothers go through the same emotions at point (whether they wait to find out or not)! Glad to hear another mom is being honest and real!

Molly Guisinger said...

I really enjoy your posts because you're so open and express your opinion so gracefully. I can totally see how you would have been disappointed at the reveal, and your time to mentally prepare was minimal since POOF there he was.

Your posts have become somewhat of a learning tool for me as I prepare for the birth of our baby girl! You have helped me ease into this idea of parenting. And I thank you for that!!

Congrats on baby #4. Can't wait to be on team pink or blue :)

JoyfulJ said...

Interesting thoughts. I've been team green with both mine. But I 'knew' both were boys early on, like know this is a boy.
I love not knowing. Preparing before is great, but I don't feel it's necessary for us. We have neutral newborn stuff and if we have a girl well get girly stuff before she grows out of the newborn things.
Thanks for your perspective it's interesting.

Anonymous said...

This post really has me thinking now. I found out the gender with my first two children but we decided to go team green this time. I like the points you make here and I will definately be re-thinking my decision. Who knows what we will decide now! Thanks for sharing!

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