03 May 2012

Bonding to the baby

So, I know I keep talking about the baby lately but, ya know, I'm pregnant so... these things happen.

Someone recently asked me if being on team green this time has made me feel less bonded to the baby.

That is a tough question.

Had she asked that after my anatomy scans with Carter and/or Brynn I would have quickly said "Finding out the sex my babies made me feel more bonded."

End of story.

At the time, it was a no brainer, really.  You have this person inside you.  You don't really know what pronoun to use.  You can't really commit to a name yet.  You can't really pick out your bedding or nursery stuff or a single piece of clothing.  Until your anatomy scan, it's just this little thing moving all around inside you. Nothing feels certain until that ultrasound tech says "It's a healthy baby ____!"

And then?  BOOM.  You're shopping up a storm, you have a name, you're calling the baby he or she, and you're telling everyone who this little person is inside of you.

So, naturally, you feel more bonded because the baby suddenly becomes a real person.

And, until my anatomy scan with this baby, that's exactly what I would have continued to think.

But the truth is... I feel just as bonded to this baby as I did with Carter and Brynn. 

Now I know, with certainty, that it's not really the act of finding out what you're having that makes you feel more bonded... but laying on that table for an hour and just watching the baby on the screen.  Your baby.  Waving, kicking, rolling over, dancing.  That's what bonds you.  Not the "it's a healthy baby ___!" moment at the ultrasound, but the "it's a healthy baby!" Period.

And I know I have my moments of wavering. Team green is not easy.  But I am committed to it and I know deep down, I will not give in.  I will not find out.  Because, when it comes down to it... I really want to wait.  And I know I won't let myself give up on that.

If anything? Not finding out has made me feel more bonded to this baby. 

Not more bonded than my other two kids, per se.  But as moms of multiple children already know... once you have a baby/toddler in the house and you get pregnant for a 2nd, 3rd+ time, it's not the same as your first pregnancy.  You just don't have the time to sit around and bask in the glow of your pregnancy all day long.  You're too busy trying not to fall asleep in the bathroom while supervising your toddler in the tub.  Or chasing them around the house trying to get them dressed.  Or waking up in the middle of the night with them when they're sick.

Second pregnancies are just... different. And third pregnancies? Even more so. Because there is twice the madness.

So being team green this time? Is keeping us on our toes.  Keeping us guessing.  Keeping up this game in our house of who will win this tie breaker.

Carter was my first baby and my first boy.  Brynn was my first girl.  So what does this little baby have left to make this pregnancy different?  Not finding out.  And I think that's why I'm so committed to team green... not only for myself and my family {it's fun to torture them with this ;} but for this baby.  To tell him/her how their pregnancy and birth were different from the first two.

So to answer her question... has being on team green this time made me feel less bonded to the baby?


I bet you that poor girl was sorry she asked, eh?


molly said...

I'm so glad you feel just as bonded to the baby on team green! That is great news for those who are thinking about deciding not to find out!

Anonymous said...

I was team green with Braden and now we're team green again. I felt bonded to Braden from day 1 and the bond got stronger and stronger the bigger that he grew and the more active he became. The moment I laid eyes on him when he was born it was like finally getting to meet this "long lost friend" and the connection was stronger. I know I'm in the minority here, but one of the reasons I didn't want to find out the sex and name our baby, especially publicly, is that if something ever were to happen with the pregnancy, I think I'd feel more of a pain and loss by having that extra connection to the baby as a fetus. Maybe that's an awful way to think, but that's one of the reasons why I didn't name our baby or find out the sex and I felt 100% bonded with him the whole way through and right after he was born.

I know some moms struggle to bond with the baby even after they are born.

Anonymous said...

Great post, Jenni, I'm glad you shared!

My honest opinion of this is that it makes absolutely no difference if you find out or not - it's all about the mom and her personality.

For me, we were team green last time and are again this time. I love pregnancy, but I don't ever feel a real bond with the baby in my belly. Even after birth, I didn't have that magic moment of falling head over heals with my son. It was a gradual process, and our bond and love grew each day.

At first, I thought it was, in part, because we didn't find out gender. But after our recent fostering experiences, I'm confident that really, it's just me. That's just how I'm wired, who I am. Finding out or not really wouldn't make a difference for me. I need to meet my baby and learn about him/her to gain that mommy/baby bond. And I don't think that's a bad thing at all. :)

Unknown said...

I admire your ability to not find out - I'm thinking maybe with our next baby {if we have one}, I might go team green as well. The "unknown" is so exciting! I love that you shared this story :)


Synchrosally said...

100% agree with you! I was team green all the way and I really did feel bonded. I think for me it was also the ultrasound and seeing that little life, no longer an alien, wiggle and worm inside me. Stay strong!

Jennifer said...

Awesome post!! I have a boy and a girl and we're still tossing around the idea of having a third. And if we do, I definitely want to go team green. I'm glad you're not wavering any longer - seems like you are sure of why you chose team green in the first place. And of course it doesn't make you feel less bonded to the baby. Your BABY is growing inside of you. That's the most incredible bond eva. BOOM.

Audrey said...

LOVING that you aren't finding out. I'm thinking that IF we go for #3 that's what I want to do. I'm enjoying watching this baby grow via your blog :)

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