03 November 2011

Insert sad "How are you?" face here.

That's one thing I never thought would bother me. The sympathy. The tilted head with a loving/caring "how are you feeling?" look upon their face. The "I'm so sorry for your loss" tweets and email messages.

And they don't really bother me. I just wish that people didn't have to ask me those questions or make those statements.

I just wish this never happened to me.

I love the support. I'm thankful for it, actually. It's one of the reasons why I decided to put it all out there on my blog. Miscarriages are something that occur way too often and it just sucks.

There's really no other way to phrase it. It SUCKS.

But as much as it sucks, I also feel that it's not talked about much. So I'm putting it out there.

My story.

__________

Bob and I always knew we wanted three kids. It was never really a question. It was a conversation we had early on in our relationship and it lasted about 2 seconds.

Jenni: "How many kids do you want?"
Bob: "I've always wanted three."
Jenni: "Me too!"

And that was that. {We were just made for each other, weren't we?}

After two healthy pregnancies, I really didn't have much concern for the third. Of course I know that miscarriages are sometimes completely random. I mean, it really can happen to anyone. It's no one's fault... these things just... happen.

I think it was about the second or third day in Disney World that I knew I was pregnant. I could feel it. I knew Bob would think I was crazy, so I didn't bring it up right away. I mean it was WAY too early to even test, so why not just wait? But then the day before we headed home, I couldn't fight the feeling anymore {okay people, stay with me... try not to sing} and I broke down and told him.

He, of course, thought I was crazy. "Isn't it way too early to even tell?" and "Are you sure you didn't just eat too much and that's why you feel bloated?" Yes, because eating too much also makes my boobs sore too, honey.

When we returned home, I was g-chatting with a few of my favorite girls and I brought it up to them as well. They begged me to test, but I knew it was still way too early. By that point I almost felt like I was imagining all these symptoms.

But on the morning of October 9th, I broke down and I tested. And 3 minutes later, I saw the faintest line my eyes had ever seen. The test was almost laughing in my face. It was all "Bwahaha, first you're making up symptoms and now you're seeing lines!" I threw that damn smart-ass test in the trash and didn't tell a soul about it. I decided it was still too early.

That night, I started talking to Steph on g-chat and told her what happened that morning. She immediately demanded a picture. But I didn't take one. I felt stupid. Like "Hey, I see a line if I hold the test just at the right angle by the window in the kitchen... do you see it too??" I decided if I wished hard enough that it was there, that it actually might show up. {Please tell me I'm not the only one that does this?}

Steph talked me into testing again the next morning and had me take a picture. So sure enough, there I was peeing on another pregnancy test and taking cell phone pictures of it in my kitchen. At 6am. On a Monday morning {Columbus Day.}

This time though? The line was a little darker. And I knew I wasn't crazy. I told Bob about this one right away and he saw it too.But I still wasn't 100% ready to say "I'm pregnant." I sent the picture to Steph & Kelly who immediately replied "I SEE IT TOOOOO."

Whew. Good. I'm not the only one seeing lines now. Either everyone I know is crazy or I'm actually pregnant.

Then 2 hours later? I took a digital. And saw this.And I was finally convinced. I hopped online and put in my dates and up popped my due date.

June 21, 2012.

What a beautiful date. I was expecting a little June Bug.

The week that followed was wonderful. I started making plans about exactly how I would tell our families. I always share the news early with them. Always. And even after this experience, I will 100% share the news with them right away again. Except next time? I probably won't even wait a week. I'll tell them right after I find out.

It was perfect... Sunday night, just 6 days after I got that beautiful positive digital test, we were having a family dinner at my mom's house. And everyone would be there.

My idea on how to share the news was perfect. {And I'd love to show you exactly how we told them, but I can't. You'll find out the reason in a second.} I wrapped it up on Sunday morning, October 16th and then headed to my parents house that afternoon. The car ride over I was so anxious and excited. I told Bob that we would tell them right away. I just couldn't stand them not knowing for another second.

And we did. And it was wonderful. Everyone was really happy and excited. I asked my mom if this ever got old {as this baby would have been her 6th grandchild} and she said "Absolutely not! I love all my grand babies and I'll be just as happy with each of them as I was with the first!"

So sweet.

After dinner, I left my parents house feeling so happy. It's always much more real when your favorite people in the world know the news too.

We had plans to share the news with Bob's family the very next day during a family dinner for my father-in-law's birthday. Before I went to sleep that night, I was so excited. I couldn't wait for them to know too. I could barely contain myself enough to close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

The next morning, October 17th, was like any other morning. I headed to the bathroom as soon as my feet touched the floor.

And then it happened.

Blood. Bright red blood.

At first it was just a little. I was nervous, but attributed it to the massive sinus infection I had the day before. I must have sneezed a thousand times so maybe things just got jostled around a bit. Surely that was it. I was thankful to have a work-from-home day scheduled, so I planned to just take it easy.

But over the next hour, it got progressively worse. No cramping, just bleeding. I called my sister Kristi, as she experienced something similar to this with my niece Gracie, so I just needed to have her tell me about it. She convinced me that everything was probably fine, but to call my doctor right away.

I never call my doctor. Like, ever. But this time? I knew things were different. Though I still didn't have any cramping, red blood during a pregnancy is NEVER a good thing.

I finally got a hold of my nurse and explained what was happening. I already had a blood work appointment scheduled for later that morning, so she decided to make it quantitative instead of just a normal pregnancy draw so that we could track my betas.

The rest of the day the bleeding continued {still not a single cramp} but I just had the worst feeling. I knew in my heart that this would not have a good outcome. I talked to Bob throughout the day and kept giving him status updates. It was getting progressively worse, so I decided to bring it up...

"What do we do about telling your parents tonight?"

My heart sank. His did too. On the one hand, I so desperately wanted/needed them to know, but on the other? How do you tell someone "Hey, listen... I'm pregnant with your grand baby, but don't get too excited because I think I'm miscarrying."

I didn't even want to have to say that word.

I left the final decision up to Bob... it was his parents after all. He decided that he wanted to tell them at dinner that night, but I made him promise that we wouldn't share the news the same way we did with my parents. It just wasn't the same now.

But as we pulled up to his mom's house and saw all the cars in the driveway, I couldn't do it. I started crying. I just wanted to get in my car and drive home. But I didn't. I put on a brave face, blamed my puffy red eyes on my sinus infection and had dinner with Bob's entire family.

At one point, I snuck off to the bathroom {hoping and praying for the 100th time that day that the bleeding had stopped} and as I finished and opened the door, Bob was standing right there. And I just cried. And cried. And cried.

His mom saw me and ran over to me right away. She pulled me aside and I told her what was happening. Though I hadn't received my blood work results yet, I knew in my heart that it was over.

The next day, I stayed home from work with my babies and waited for the fateful call that would bring my dreams of this pregnancy to a screeching halt.

And at 1pm on October 18th, that's exactly what that phone call did.

I was 5 weeks pregnant and that's all I would get with this baby. 5 weeks.

A chemical pregnancy is what she called it. Seems so negative. Almost as if I made this whole thing up. What does that even mean? Chemical. She explained that it was basically just another term for an early miscarriage. The title "chemical" means that it was just too early to see the baby on an ultrasound. We made plans to have follow-up blood work in a week to make sure my levels went back to zero, but that it was basically over. Done.

I was no longer pregnant.

I called Bob and he came home right away. I cried even more, but I was thankful that my babies were there with me. It definitely made me feel better and I was proud that my body could at least allow me to have the two of them.

Since then, I've been doing "fine." I think about her often. {I'm convinced it was a girl.} Probably more than I should. At times I feel guilty for getting so upset about this. I mean, I was only 5 weeks. But then I come to my senses and realize that a baby was still lost here.

My baby.

The milestones hurt. "I would have been 6, 7, 8 weeks today." My first appointment was suppose to be tomorrow. An appointment that I had to call and cancel last week. And after I left the message on the machine that I "didn't need to reschedule due to a miscarriage" I cried a little after I hung up the phone.

When I went in for my follow-up blood work the lab tech looked at my script for a "quantitative hcg" blood draw and congratulated me. I was going to let it slide. I mean, it's not her fault. But I didn't. I said something. I politely explained that I had a miscarriage and the blood work was to confirm my levels are back to zero.

It wasn't my intention to have her apologize to me, but I also didn't want to be congratulated for something that was now over.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I'm trying so hard to move past this and I actually think I'm doing pretty well. I'm looking forward to the future, hoping and praying that we will be a family of five someday soon.

Your continued emails, comments, messages, and tweets mean so much. You are all so wonderful to think of me. Also, to those of you who shared your story with me, thank you. I'm sorry that we've all had to go through something like this. But we will get though. This, I promise.

37 comments:

Victoria said...

I'm so sorry Jenni. I can't even imagine your pain. Thank you for sharing your story

Suz said...

I'm so sorry Jenni. I'll keep you & your husband in my thoughts & prayers.

molly said...

You know I love you. A lot. You and Bob will be a family of five someday.

I just know it!

Toni said...

Hugs. I just kept reading on, nodding my head - all the same feelings coming back. You will definitely have your family of 5. Just keep loving on those babies of yours - my son was a Godsend through my miscarriage. They really are the best distraction.

Andrea said...

You are such a strong woman. I will just say that your family is in my thoughts and prayers and that God has a special plan for you and your soon to be family of 5! You are amazing and I hope time helps ease your pain little by little. Hugs to you!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I remember all these feelings all so well, and they are so, so valid. Know that, honey. hugs.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the heartbreak it can cause. I hope soon you can take home your rainbow baby and have a family of 5 like you & Bob have always dreamed.

Ashley @ Mama Of All Trades said...

You are so strong for being able to write this out. I keep trying and trying and I can't get it out. It sucks so much.

Erin said...

Jenni, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. The loss of any baby no matter how old or young is still a loss. Lifting you and your family up in prayers. Hope you have your family of five soon as well. Thank you for sharing your story.

Mama Mandolin said...

Sending you some internets hugs :) You're a brave lady and thank you for sharing your story. Getting it out really does help.

Kristin said...

Just love and hugs.

Duchess said...

Lots of love and hugs coming your way. You are one of the strongest people I know so I know you will get through this.

Lean on your family and friends. They will help you through this just like you help them through their lives.

Christie said...

I'm so sorry, Jenni. This entry made me cry. Lots of prayers and lots of hugs.

Julia said...

Jenni,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is a loss. I also had a "chemical pregnancy" and found out I was pregnant on my 1st anniversary I had the same symptoms no cramping just bleeding. It's the worst feeling knowing something you want so bad is slipping away. The first miscarriage I was 5 weeks and was in May and then the worst one was in July I was 8 weeks and 6 days. When I was reading your story I cried the whole time. My heart breaks for you, for us and every woman that has had to go through this. I wish women would speak out about this and am so glad you are. I hug my newborn tight knowing I was blessed with him. I am sending you love. xoxo
Julia

Megan said...

Jenni, I'm so so sorry... I have had 2 miscarriages as well and think about my *other* babies often. Have you read the book "Heaven is for Real"? It really helped me cope.

<3

Audrey said...

So sorry this happened!!!

Camilleta said...

I'm so sorry! =( *hugs* I know how you feel. Just remember that this is much more common than people realize. And it's random. You can definitely go onto have more healthy pregnancies! And it's never too early to grieve... Best to feel the feelings than to go into denial like I did at first!

Tessa said...

I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I read this. I don't know the right thing to say, but the only thing I can think of is I'm sorry. :(

J-Berg said...

Jenni-

I think about you every day. I'm so sorry for everything you went through and continue to go through.

Lots of Love

Emily Kate said...

What a beautiful story and such a loved lil babe, what great momma you are!

amy@agoodlife said...

I've often debated how much I would share if this happens to me & I completely agree with you, miscarriages aren't talked about enough. Thanks for being brave & putting this out there. I'm sending you hugs & lots of love through the interwebz xo.

Dannelle Meyers said...

I am sure that you will have your dream come true sooner than later. I won't say that I am sorry, I know how it felt when people apologized to me. Right before I got pregnant this time I had a miscarriage. I had just told people about it and within weeks I was telling them I was pregnant again. It felt so weird. You are a strong woman and I know that you will pull through this and in the end you will have a cute little baby to show for it. Keep positive and keep trying is all I can tell you. *hugs*

annam829 said...

I am so sorry to hear...hang in there. my thoughts and prayers go out to you guys

jen said...

your feelings are 100% justified. i hate the term chemical pregnancy. hate it. i understand that doctors/nurses need to use technical terms for their purposes but please have a little compassion for your patient.

a loss of any kind is hard. a miscarriage 1000x harder.

give yourself the proper time to heal & grieve. that little girl is now your angel in the sky. she will be watching over you for all the day to come. :)

i am terribly sorry for your loss.

Jodi said...

oh :( im so sorry for your loss. I have experienced this 3 times and it is not easy.. If you ever need to talk you can email me jodihall2011@gmail.com :( (((hug)))

Sarah said...

((HUGS)) Thank you for sharing your story. It's true - people avoid talking about lost babies and it shouldn't be that way. My first daughter was stillborn at 40+ weeks and I know it makes others uncomfortable when I talk about her.

Leigh-Ann said...

I think you did an amazing job putting your story and your feelings into words and I wanted to say thanks for letting me read it. Ive been lurking here since you were pregnant with Brynn and I didnt feel right about not saying something after being allowed to read this so to speak. I do want to say im so sorry, and I sincerely hope I dont add to your pain by yet another condolance. Dont dare feel the least bit guilty for any of your feelings. You have every right as a woman, mother, and human being.

Heather said...

Take advantage of getting lots of hugs and kisses from those two babies of yours. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your story with us.

eput said...

I know you said you wished you didn't have to have the tweets, emails, etc- so I probably shouldn't add to the pile but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, I wonder if I should do the same on my blog one day. Went through the same chemical pregnancy experience, days after losing my dad. Hardest thing I've ever had to face, and I hope it will continue to be that. Brynn and Carter are evidence of grace, and know it is okay to be pissed, angry, frustrated and feel pity for yourself bc it is HARD. I wish I could tell you otherwise but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. xoxo

Suzanne said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Erica said...

I lost a baby at 5 weeks also. It was my very first pregnancy. We waited a month and tried again. The second pregnancy was twins, however we lost one of the babies and they only gave our son a 50% chance of making it to full term. However, I'm extremely proud to say that our baby boy not only made it to full term, but to 41 weeks! He was born the same year as your Carter.

Miscarriage is extremely difficult, no matter how many weeks you were. Hang in there, Jenni. You'll never forget that June due date...never. I remember mine July 9, 2008. But know that once you do successful carry Baby #3 to full term and he/she arrives into this world, you'll hold that baby a bit more tight.

Take care and thank you for talking so openly about it. The pain of losing does get easier.

the mom diggity said...

Oh honey, this absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you're having to face this. Saying a prayer over you guys, and that you find peace and healing. Hugs mama!

Jamie said...

Wow I'm sorry again. I don't know if this makes you feel better, I know everyone goes through this differently, but this sounds so much like our story! The faint second line and then the digital test, the blood, telling the family so happily one moment and so devastated the next... 5 weeks along...

Our "chemical pregnancies" are still our precious babies and always will be. <3

Here's my story I don't know if you're religious at all, but the prayer inside really helped me. <3 hugs!

Jamie

Courtney said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I can't imagine what you are going through right now…but you are obviously a strong woman to be willing to courageously face it and heal through it. Sending you hugs.

Stephanie said...

Jenni - I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks. All I can tell you is that it will get better. You'll try again and your next little one will help ease the pain you are feeling now. Again, I'm so sorry.

Larissa: said...

Jenni - I haven't been blogging as regularly as I used to, so I am just now seeing this. I am so sorry for your loss. My sister-in-law had a miscarriage a few years ago. It is hard, but you will hurt a little less with each passing day. I pray that your heart mends quickly. Thank you for putting your story out there. I'm sure it is comforting to others who may be going through the same feelings as you are. Take care of yourself.

~Larissa

Jasmine said...

Oh, Jenni, my heart goes out to you. I am only seeing this now so I'm sorry it is belated.

As the other ladies have said, you have every reason to mourn the loss of your baby. I hope you are healing, and allowing yourself to grieve. I'm praying for you. God is with you.

© jenni from the blog, All Rights Reserved.

Designed by A Grande Life